But when He, the Spirit of Truth (the Truth-giving Spirit) comes, He will guide you into all the Truth (the whole, full Truth). ~John 16:13a
Dear Son,
My heart is full today.
It is full of Love, a love so deep that it can never be explained with words.
It is full of anticipation of what a wonderful future God holds for you.
It is full of trepidation, with all of the evil in this fallen world. It’s enough to cause a mother to shudder.
It is full of thankfulness that the Lord saw fit to entrust you to your dad and me.
It is full of guilt, at all of the ‘ideas’ I had as to how a parent and homeschool mom was supposed to be and how I failed to trust the Holy Spirit to truly guide me into all truth.
It is full of hope, that no matter how much I loved you, no matter how many times I messed up, no matter how many times I hurt your feelings or bragged too much, you are becoming the man God created you to be.
First, I want to share with you how blessed I am to be your mother. As an adopted, only child I always dreamed of having children of my own. When you were born, our lives were flipped upside down. It was the best roller coaster ride we ever have had the privilege to ride.
Second, [and I know you know this already] I have not done many things right as your mother. I have, at times, been impatient, tired from sleepless nights. I have, on occasion, been insensitive when my expectations of you have been too high. As well, I have been too protective. I have allowed some of the tests, that were meant for your development to be my battles to fight and did not give you the chance to stand on your own two feet and show how smart and strong you really are. I have, at times, required much of you when you were not ready to handle that next level.
Just like all young men, you want to be the Super Hero. You want to be the Knight in Shining Amor that saves the day. You have been that and more!
I hope you know that I know that you needed your parents to always be the strong foundations of cool and calm under pressure. Unfortunately, we weren’t always quite the ‘confident authority’ you need us to be.
I also know you thought we said NO too much. And maybe we did sometimes. Sometimes, we let our own fears get the best of us and in a lot of ways held you back from the adventure you wanted to have.
Forgive me.
I freaked out to much.
But, in my defense, it was all out of love. I remember the day we brought you home from the hospital and our neighbor brought food. She was the mother of two little boys and I, in a constant state of hormones and panic as a new momma, asked her, “How do you not stay in a constant state of fear that you will hurt them or that they are so fragile that it seems like you need to put them in a bubble?” She smiled sweetly and gave me simple words of encouragement, “You just learn to not be afraid and let the Lord guide you.”
Unfortunately, those simple words of wisdom didn’t sink in right away.
You and I have grown up together. You were my first. As the first, you have been the one I had to learn the right and wrong way to be a good, loving parent. We fell for the books that told us the ‘formulas’ that were supposed to work. In the end we sometimes failed to let the Lord guide us and show us how to parent YOU. Just like your brother and sister, you are Unique. What a blessing that is!
I know that those personality ‘quirks’ I thought were quirks are nothing more than the traits God gave you to be the Man He wants you to be – making you a Responsible, Wildly Successful man who will rock this world with your Strength and Confidence.
Your gifts are beautiful. There is an independence, a fortitude that is unparalleled in you. You have a courage that I never had as a teen. I praise God that he has given you the ability to stand up for yourself and not back down when you are fighting for what is right. You are and always will be a great leader.
I hope and pray, that as I have grown with you, and learned to Lean on, Trust in and Rely on God more fervently, that your dad and I have given you the tools you need to continue on the path He has set before you with confidence and Trust in the One and Only who loves you more than you can even imagine.
I have not been a great mom. But, I am your mom. I am your mom because the God of this Universe decided you belonged with me while we navigate this Season together, before we return Home. For that, I am a great mom. I am a great mom because I love you more than anything else in this world.
I hope that, as people tried to put you in a box, I gave you the freedom to say, “No, that’s not where I belong.”
I hope that, even when I had to discipline you, you knew it was a statement that said, “I care so much about you, I am going to teach you how to be the person you really want to be. And I want to be the model of that behavior.
I GET to be there, everyday, and homeschool you, care for you, sacrifice for your health, your safety and your happiness. I GET to have middle of the night talks with you when you are having doubts or just need to talk. I GET to nurture you when the burdens of this world overwhelm you.
I am Fierce. I can be too much sometimes. But, I will do my best to respect your personality while being loyal and relentless in my job as Mom.
I will always be here for you, loving you, NO MATTER WHAT you do and where you go.
Son, I love you.
Mom